seriously sucks when your hand smells of garlic and onions for like many days..
its making me wanna puke at the smell of it...
ARGH!!!! chop my hands pls.... still wonder why on earth i agreed to minced the garlic...
hahahhahz... and wash the clams...
mmm... ok.. apparently.. many of them ls last night...and even prob today.
gosh.. =(
but yea...
today went out shopping with bby..
sweet!!!
first shopped for our shoes and we both got wad we wanted..
adidas pink shoes for me.. and classic black converse for bby.
and of course socks.!! (=
then mac... had free hot choco.. yummlicious.
headed down for interview/ DISC report analysis.
then down to vivo for shopping...
hahazh... dint shop much... but i was like tempted to buy this super damn nice bikini.
and aftereight. plus dunno wad drink.
hhahz... settled down at secret receipe for tea time treat...
whee!!!! brownie walnut... when was th last time i ate?
almost exactly 1 year ago with pink surfers.
hahahz..
after that... went down to settlers... dunno for wad... guess it was to find timo and the rest.
ahhaz... ate dinner... watched a little of sex drive. then went to chat with my colleagues.
hahahz.... aisyah cooked fake omelette and timo bought bubbletea back... (=
saw yanming at settlers... talked abit of ahboon's stuff and intro-ed him to bby..
sat down a while.. then left for home cos tmr is FOD day1.
gosh.... have to reach school at 8am!!!!!!!!
someone save me!!! =(
but ok la... actually looking forward to it..
mm..

made a decision today...
by not going for nic's pop on fri...
not that i dun wan...
but feels a lil weird to go with aunty and uncle.. plus.. i got FOD day 2...
feel bad for leaving daniel alone by himself to an OG..
was afraid nic will be upset... but heng... he was ok... (=
ps ah...
i'll make up for you next time... more treats!!! (=
yup... guess its gonna be bed time soon...
nites pple

ok... at settlers now... supposedly came down to have dinner.. .
but in the end, we had to help out in the kitchen with the minced garlic, sliced onions and even scrubbing of clams...
like WTH!!!!!
mmm.... oh wells...
good luck peeps for allthe runnign of toilet trips!!!! (=

i'm like loving everyday i have now..
its like a dream come true... but i really wonder how long we can last...
i'm scared of the future... but gotta brave thru it..
oh wells... most importantly is wads happening now. (=

had a terrible nightmare about some competition between my cousin and i..
and OMG!!! we had a quarrel cos of his gf...
mm.... does my dream states that i hate her that much???
mmm... but come to think of it... she wasnt that bad when i first know her lei..
but all of a sudden. i'm just hating her cos she's that materialistic..
argh... oh wells... my dear cousin's choice...
and yea!!! (=

i realised how bad i am at cookign...
like seriously gotta learn how to cook...
then can cook for bby to eat next time.
besides the bee hoon that i can cook..
heex (=

mm.... i've yet to finish my "how i met your mother". GOSH... can i have more time for it? hahaz... if only i can have like 48hrs per day..
hex (=
ok.. gotta rush to meet bby.... he's at school... and i'm still here blogging!!!!!

i'm feeling really happy now...

mm... things are really getting better... (=

i'm happy for you called me dear finally...
heex(= kinda been waiting for a long long long time le..
i like how we are not... but there's still uncertainty...
but rest assure... i'll give you time...
but in how we are now yea???
love you bby .

even though i'm sick now...
i'm a happy gal... cos even though the main prob still exists, as long as we cast it aside, we're a happy couple..
i'm so in love with him... and i'm glad i held on... (=
miss bby... but i cant... cos he's working.. should be more mature yea?
i'm just waiting for him to end work for the day... and tmr we can be tgt for the whole day.
whee!!!! (=
i'm so looking forward to our date tmr..

but casting all these aside, our prob still exist... cant pretend it dint.. .
i wanan try work things out...
i hope for a miracle for this prob to resolve and disappear...

firstly... i guess its father's day...
been long since i last celebrated it..

i've made a huge decision today...
i know i'll regret it...
but i've got no choice..
i'm sorry my dearest..
after talking to him, i've decided that we really shouldnt contact for 1 week cept tue for meeting and fri for school.
no matter i text him or call him... it should be firm that we dun contact...
for this... i'll remember and not flare at him..
i know he doesnt wan that..
but i think its really time to know wad feelings he really have, else we'll suffer... my tears and his frown..
i wanan see his smile again..
i wanna see his sparkling eyes again..
now his eyes just look too tired for anyhting...
i dun wan that..
and also... with my absence, hopefully it'll make our hearts fonder, and less pressure and stresss to him..
not that i wan that... guess the last person who ever approved of this is me ba...
but still... we all have to go through this shit to resolve the current prob ba... if we really wanna be happy tgt without this thing happening..
its like now even if we're happy, the main prob is still around..
only when the prob is solved, then only can we be really happy tgt...
thats wad i feel...
i wanan start things anew... not from where we stopped... but really fresh from the start..
i wanan learn to trust you all over again so that the promise you made to me can be thrown aside..
but if i'm learning... you gotta give me a chance to prove myself to you that i can do it..
i'm already grasping it..
i've already learnt not to flare when you dun wanna pass me your fone..
i've learnt not to be so kpo when you sms others... though i really wanan know who, but i've thought through it that if its meant for me to know, you wun hide from me..
i'm learning hard... though i'm slow..
i know you're upset with me now.. for my decision..
you dun wan me to let you go, thats why you called me...
i dun wanan let you go too... it pains me..
so the best way is to really chill out for a week..
its a risk... if things turn out fine... then i'm lucky and i'll treasure everyhting from then onwads...
if not then i'm just suay that we cant be tgt anymore..
but nevertheless.. i love you... and i'll be waiting..
i dun wanan pressure you le... this time round... i'll leave the thinking and sorting to you...
dun wanan add on any burden le..
i jsut wanan be a better person for you too...
its not you're not good for me... but whether we accept each other's flaw and love each other for our flaws...
i'm not perfect... best eg is that being myself makes you persurrise and stress..
i'll change myself for you...
even if we cant be tgt after this week... my heart will only have you... this i'm certain..
meanwhile... dun stretch yourself too much... i'll be xin tong...

gues si'll go to work so that i wun think of you too much...
the fastest time to pass time now is to numb myself with work... since there's no studies to deal with now.

had a long chat with jun qin this morning...
thanks bro...
its like i know you snice i was sec 3, and you're always there to help me...
hahaz... best thing is i never had to really tell you wad happened to me...
u just knew it.. (=
even though we long long time never meet le... i still feel that i'm really lucky to have you as a friend.
and in life... just when i thoguht i'm jsut all alone by myself...
i realised i have a few friends that's really my friend and stood by me...
isaiah, junqin, pam..
they say you just need 1 person to believe in you... but i've got 3..
some claimed to be my friend, but chose not to contact or reply me... how true a friend are they???
not pointing at boon ah... thoguh you're also like that to me now.

talking abt boon...
you aint replying my msn... u ok ma???
see a doctor if you're still not well k???

like everyone says, life still goes on... the world is still moving..
therefore you gotta move too..
i'm moving... rather slowly..
i still wanan try my best...
but its like not working at all..
its like i'm making him feel loved yet confusing his love.
WTH am i doing?
why am i confusing him that much?
overdoing isnt something good right... but i cant help but wanna be there for him...
its like i know he went for blood donation today...
i actualy had the thought of buying pig liver for him to eat...
argh!!!!
why am i so in love wiht him?
he asked me that too...
i really got no idea why....
why am i just so silly to wanna do anything for him???

i'm really happy today..
he gave me a surprised when he said he was gonna work today..
its like his name wasnt there and i really wasnt expecting him to be there... (=
felt really happy when he hugged me too...
i knew he was tempted to give me a kiss..
but thankfully he dint... if not its just gonna make himself even more confused..
(= really enjoyed working with pple i used to hate working.. .
wun hide it..
i really hated working with rangs and yw last time..
but now... actually its really enjoyable... (=
maybe cos now i've opened my heart towards yw... i see another side of her..
(= and of course him...
hahaz.. spent alot of time in the kitchen so that i can be with him...
such stupid excuse... O.o but yea... jsut wanted to spend more time with him happily..
and i really managed to do that today.. (=
he said i really treat him differently now..
i hope its for the better..
i swear, that if its ever possible, i wanna treat you that nice from now on...
i wanna make up for wad i dint do b4..
it doesnt matter if now i'm the giver... i'm still happy doing things for you.
or rather i've never been that happy doing things for you b4.. (=
it doesnt matter if i'm the giver or receiver... matters most is that you're happy ...
cos when you're happy, i'll be happy . (=
and silly boy... pls rest more... your body is really feeling tired la...

i'm learning things slowly.
slowly learning the meaning of putting down.
but it doesnt mean i no longer love him.
he really means alot to me..
but love cant be forced and i have to respect his decision in the end.
i'm jsut glad he's still concern for me...
i'm glad that he still thinks of me.
he have feelings. but he's not sure of his feelings for me..
at least he still have..
but i shouldnt pin my hopes too high isnt it?
i'll learn to let go eventually if he doesnt wan me anymore..
if time heals all wounds, how long will i need?
if it takes twice the effort to heal all wounds... i will prob need 16 months then..
but at the same time... i know there are friends out there who are concern for me yet fear to talk to me abt this..
isaiah told me abt it..
isaiah told me that my og is more than willing to walk me thru this..
it gave me alot of strength.. not to cry anymore..
but i still dun dare to approach them, cos i was the one who abandon them once.. and now things happen, i dunno how i should be finding them...
i've always wanted to be independent..
but he made me really dependent on him...
now its time to relearn my independency.

benben miss toutou..
but toutou cant promise anything..
sad but cant be sad.

why he return if i find the correct purpose in life??
it may not be..
without me he'll still life well..
but with me... it just makes matter worse..
even though how hard i try, i'm still not given a chance..
wads life for me???
i really wan to try... but i fear alot...
now being taught again by a nice friend who's standing by me and not looking down on me..

i miss toutou..
was quite sad when he said he's going back malaysia on thurs.
but think abt it... it might be a good choice..
cos he wun be able to receive my sms even if i did so..
so he can rest for a day without needing to think abt our stuffs
i've been stretching him alot..
i know.. i wanna try to loosen the pressure and burden..
i really hope when one day he got his feelings back. he will surprise me just like how he first surprised me ..
i'm sure he remembered how he did it..
i really hope the day will come..
i'm still opening my door everyday... hoping to see a miracle.

i went out with him today...
cried a few times... even though i really dint wan to.
but i still did..
held his arms like normal.. felt priviledge that only i could do that..
but i still mistaken it as he might have agreed to being my 1 day bf..
wanted to take neoprint.
but in the end.. dint..
in 1 day... there's happy and sad moments..
but wad made me happy is that its the first time i really have a date in the poor manner but in a rich place..
felt happy deep down..
cos i'm out with the guy i love most.. even if we aint holding hands... its him i'm out with..
we're like normal... just that we aint the same as b4

i jsut wish the me now is with the him then... then we'll be the happiest couple.. even if the world hates the both of us tgt.

you wan me to let go...
i cant.. but i'll try...
goodbye my love.

i went all out to chase back my love.

i realised that since i lvoed him so much, why not try once more with all i can, hoping to get the chance to amend things.

i knew he dint eat the whole night after wad happened at work. so wanted to start from there, cooked a meal for him. so since i was gonna cook for him, might as well cook for mum to bring to work.

i touched him with the food. patched back. but in the end, we still had to break. cos he couldnt decide wad kinda feelings he really had for me.he said he thought he loved me when i was at his house, but after his talk with his mum, he needed to find out wad exactly he was feeling. and if he really love me, he'll chase me back with all he can..

i love him... he's my last stop in life. he's the last guy i'm gonna love. no matter wad, i'll stil love him with all i've got. even if he no longer loves me, my love for him will never die. i knew this time wad i want. i was never this clear before.

or rather when we first got tgt, i already knew he was my mr right. just that i used a wrong approach towards my love for him for 8 months. i'm the cause for everything that happened today. my mum scolded him, saying he's a failure as my bf cos he dun understnad me. but you guys know wad??? i'm the ultimate failure. cos i cant chase the man i really love back. there's nothing i can do to make him come back.

if you ask me again, if you're really worth my love. my answer will be yes.. used to be maybe, now yes and in future will even more be yes.

my goal in life is to have a simple family, a loving husband and 2 lovely kids. i want my husband to be ANG MINXIANG. no one else but him. i'd rather stay single the rest of my life if i cant get my mr right at all. and i know you're my mr right. right from the start.

it may not be fair? its never fair... was i ever fair to you in our past 8 months? no... yet you still loved me that deeply. you dint leave for other demonic fox when you know they liked you and chased you. you did alot for me even though it always made me angry... but deep down i know, you did so much cos you really care for me. and for that i was glad...

even for the past few days when everything was really tensed... i knew you still loved me cos you could still feel jealous when i went out with brian. i know you still love me de. jsut that now i really dunno why all these are surfacing..

i always though the prob was with you and other female friends of yours, and your social circle. but only now i know the reason aint that but your feelings for me.

i'm really a failure.

but this time, i'll wait for you. i maybe silly to stare at my phone the entire day just to receive your sms. i maybe silly to be really listless for work cos i only wanna wait for you sms. just a short sms saying you miss me really can liven up my day. i just wan you to know, i love you too deeply le. and you're my last stop in my life.

just hope you can be clear of your feelings soon. and if you still love me, then i guess, i'll be the happiest person on earth ba.

benbendetoutou? you still remembered wad it meant right when you gave yourself this name for your tumblr???

for me, my name should be toutoudebenben.. always it will be.

i guess there's nothing in this world that will make believe that there is true love.

love only makes one sink deeper and deeper. love makes one suffer. love will only make one crazy or wad his/her other is doing. love will only eventually drive 2 person apart even if they loved each other.

love is something that one should never mention.love is something that should never be trusted. love is nothing but hatred.

the more you love someone, the more u should hate someone. love never turns things good. love is when someone else ask you to buck up and live life better but you just cant. love is when someone ask you to love yourself better but u know you cant.

love is a prove of all dying pple's wish. they just wished they get to love the pple they really love most.

love is nothing but a pack of lies. a big pack of lie.

love is nothing but the biggest demon in human's heart. love is soemthing that should never happen from the start.

love is the biggest sing that god created, the biggest lie that adam and eve brough upon.

when someone tells you he loves you, dun ever believe. cos that's when the trap begins.

when someone tells you he has got nothing to do with other gals, never believe him. even if he say they're all his friends. friends never flirt with one another nor try gaining attention from. friends never hold each other's arm like they're attracted to.

when someone coax you saying he loves you or how much he really loves you, ditch him..

when soemone tells you your mood affects him cos he loves you, slap him. cos if he did not do anything to make you feel jealous, there's no way your mood will change and hence affect him.

when someone tells you he loves you and wad you did successfully made him jealous, laugh at him. cos he did not treasure you and made you jealous in the first place.

if a guy ever ask you to patch with him on the 10th at 10:10, but chose to chicken out under your block and only tell you he dun dare chase you back or he's afarid to chase you back, slap him.

if a guy tells you that he wanna be friends again just for you to understand him better in his social circle. seriously reconsider your relationship. cos he could have done so from the start of 8 months ago but he chose to only do this to you 8 months later. if his excuse was 8 months ago its just u and me.. and my eyes are only you, and wad you know me is just me when i'm with you, pls slap him.cos if he really wanted to last long with you. he should learn to maintain his relationship with you, yet make you understand him in his social circle 8 months ago.

if a guy rebutts you on the amount of sacrifice u made for him as compared to his for you, pls just stop talking to him. wad makes a guy think that a gal doesnt sacrifice everything for the guy she love?

if a guy tells you that he still chose to be with you, and chose to forgo his friends bdae party just for you, pls ask yourself why you still wanna be with him. he said his friends dun like you and never wanted him to patch with you, then pls ask him why he chose not to heed his friends advice in the first place but only now.

if a guy tells you that he loves you but he cant chase you back now, all he wants is to be friends with you, then your choice of telling him its either black or white is right. there's no grey patches in a relationship. cos a grey patch from the start led to wad it is now.so by him telling you that he cant chase you back only meant that he has chosen to give you up.

so you have all the right in the world to hate him, treat him like a stranger.

the biggest mistake a guy ever made in a relationship is to make a gal upset over other gals. be it whether you are just pure friends or not. cos ultimately they're still gals.

if all we ever do is just use other gals or guys to make each other jealous just to know how much they mean to us, then why must all these happen from the start?

if a guy really love a gal and never wanting her to be upset, by always saying that he never wanted to make her upset, he will never have been able to do so if he made her even more upset when he said that, only to tell her in their final conversation that he cannot patch with her, or cannot be tgt..

so thats how we really end?
thanks for hurting me once again

i hate pple to chicken out...
its like you're jsut under my block, you wanna bring me out, yet when you're here, you cant bring yourself to come up and face me.
WTF is that??
if you had not done anything wrong, why is it that you say you cant face me??? isnt it obvious that you had done something wrong to me?
and wad you say in the end? you wanna be alone..
so your concept of happy 10th is to give me hope that you really wanna bring me out for a nice dinner or anything i wanna do, and chicken out in the end, saying you need to be alone??
fine...
i dun need you at all...
since you choose to be alone... pls dun come find me anymore... i dun need such a person in my life... and on this "HAPPY 10th"
tell me... how happy can this be??
once again you gave me hope and dashed it..

if love is all about suffering and getting hurt like never before.
then i'm in love.
but if love is all about being in pain,
then i rather not be in love.
why try so hard when we all know the outcome?

how long can you last loving me when i'm treating you this way?
how long can you last loving me when there's someone interested in you, and you may be interested in her in return?
i really wanna know wads your level of tolerance.
but i guess its only a matter of time that you will give me up.
dun ask me why i treat you this way...
i also wanna know why..
maybe its out of jealousy ba.
maybe its cos i totally lost trust in you.
i dunno.. i wanna know why.
if you still chose me in the end, i wanna know why too..
cos i'm not the best gal in the world.
in fact, i dun even think i'm worth your effort in trying to patch things up.

Pls do not remove this section.

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