my eyes are better.. just that its still painful.. and alittle red..
heex..
but i have not overcome my psychological barrier..
erm.. went back to skol for econs lect..
i know its kinda dumb.. to just go back for 1 hr.. but i dun wanna spend so much time at home.. cos i wun study..
and in lect.. at least walter will wake me up if i sleep!!! hahz.. thanks shui ge..
mm.. you have tell me wad you wan la..
grrr..
dun ask me wad i look for in guys again ah.. hahz..
damn awkward..
i dint know how to face you at first..
but gradually it became ok..
mm.. you also will concern for me de ah???
first time a guy ask if i've taken my medicine lei.. heex..
this illness somehow brought me and the guys closer..
at least i get to see their gentleman side of them.. heex..
okok.. i just woke up.. and now i'm gonna rush to woodlands lib to study wiht peiling.. heex.. got lots of work to catch up.. wish me luck..

to those who prayed and cared for me..
thanks alot.. i'm much better..
no more bubble, no more "infection"
but i'm hurt..
and no one shall see..
(= grmm..crapping again..

tmr tchr's day celebration..
i think i might be going back to MI
to visit lee xuan man!!!
miss her so much..
ahz. .at the same time see felix..
ahz.. ciao!!

i've decided..
that jo shouldnt wait for me anymore..
not cos my feelings for him changed..
i still love him much..
but he shouldnt and i knwo he wun wait..
it was said to make me see the hope..
even if one day i walk towards god by love and faith..
its not gonna allow us patch..
i will still walk to god..
but i dun wanna wait for you anymore..
neither i think you should wait for me..
cos i'm no longer a complete gal..
i'm not suited for you..
i'm a gal of defaults..
if i have this side effect, who knows i might have others not known..
i dun wanna take any risk.
i'm no longer a complete gal..
i'm a gal who is no longer optimistic..
you wanted me to be happy.. i really waan be too..
but thinking back of our past.. i will only cry..
pls go.. dun come back anymore..
as much as i wish we can patch..
i dun wan anymore..
let me be ahppy pls..
heard from someone you're turning gay..
i dun wanna shed a tear for you anymore..
if you are really turning gay.. al lthe best..
just wanan wish you happy.. and blessed..
you're the guy i love most.. yet the guy i had decided to leave ..
i thought abt this for the whole entire day.. since this morning..
cos of this side effect..
and i knew wad was your choice..
goodbye jo..
i gave my heart and love to you..
if one day in the near future i'm attached..
just know that i might still love you.. yet.. i must close my heart from you..
leave now.. dun come back pls.. unless you can be sure not to make me upset again..
i dun wanna cry for you anymore.. unless the day you touched me again..
sayanora jo, baby, sotong.
it will be the last time me calling you all these..
bye.
find your happiness. and i will give you my blessing.

ugly me.. sigh.. dun make me cry anymore..

mm.. walter... dun lect me can??? i'm already sad enough.. nevertheless. thanks for telling me so much.. i was enlightened..
heex..
you haven asnwer my question wor..
beter do ah??? even though i might feel awkward when i meet you.. i will pretend nothing has happened.. and you still gotta sit with me durin lect, to wake me up.. okok???heex.. thanks shui ge..

after spa went home.. mum took the day leave to look after me.. she brought me to eat.. =) had nice food.. then went home.. cos hte medicine made me drowsy..so i slept.. then mum went off to work.. so i so happened to wake up at 4pm.. so decided to go skol for maths extra lesson.. must be guai.. mm.. so i reached in time.. (= after matsh.. went dinner with jun hong, reiyen, chu peng, wang xuan and peggy. then we bullied jun hong. hazh.. got him to help us buy bubble tea.. heex.. thanks meh meh.. while he was off buying bubble tea.. we did something disgusting.. mix things into a bowl.. damn gross la..

its a mixture of seaweed, chilli, sweet sauce, onion, vege, tissue paper.. ermm.. and many more..

wang xuan said it looked like suan la tang.. hahz.. eeeeeeeeeee.. gross.. heex..

show you guys the other similar pic of the eeeeewwwwwwwwww tang

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. cant stand this gross shit.. hee..

next highlight.. chu peng!!! hahz.. wangxuan manupilated chu peng's hair.. so ah-ma-ish la.. she act cute somemore.. oh my.. chupeng.. acbc sia..

acbc right??? hahz.. aiyo... dun act cute la.. hahz

today my sui day man.
went to see doctor..
then cos i was have on and off fever..
so i said that lor..
who knwos that doctor ask me go do blood test and urine test..
wah sai!!!
think he suspect i got dengue..
so cant blame him right?
mm.. then that woman..
that person who helped me to take the jab..
wah.. aim wrongly de lor..
after injecting the needle in. damn painful la..
then i tld her i'm scared of needles.. guess wad she said?
" aiyo.. 17 years old le still scared of needles?"
oh my goodness.. pple scared got her prob ah?
not as if i always go fer jab right?
err..
okok.. results out.. nothing wrong.. damn la..
wasted additional money.. FOR NOTHING!!! and get hurt by NEEDLES!!
no comments..
mm.. after that i went to eve's house..
cos we went to see doctor together..
mm.. so sicne she need to go back skol later.. i went with her.. then we went back skol tgt..
i went ot meet peggy.. mm.. at the same time see shui ge.. wah,..
shui ge big bully lor..
mm.. even though i gained 2 drinks from him for free..
he still bully me..
but ya.. i still appeared in front of him after chinese class..
ahzh..
alot of homework today.. sian..
msut finish tut 9 today..
mm..
wad else to say??
ohoh... mummy treated me for her belated dinner..
heex..
finally i managed to finished all the food lor!!!
praise me!! heex..
then went abit of shopping..
ayy!!!
she told me that she asked ah jiong to buy wind breaker for me..
heex..
hope he will buy me then nice ncie one..
hee..
mm... she nearly wanted to buy new specs for me today..
but cos it was beyond her budget.. so never buy..
heex.. mum got a shock when she saw how much the jab was.. hahz..
dun be surprised..
but ya..
showed her my chem..
i finally passed.. the offcial secondary pass..
dint do well.. but finally pass..
i will strive harder..!!!
yay man!!!
all the way..
happy is the gal name pearly..
but its quite a bad luck day fer me..
considering i got " abused " for no reason.. hazh..

when i was at bb.. was actually hoping to see him..
but i dint..
when i passed by the places we've been before..
my eyes was watery.. but i held back my tears..
cos eve was with me..
west mall is a meaningful place to me..
but i dun wanna think abt the past anymore..
i wanna be a strong gal again..
wanna lock my heart..
but i cant..
i'm still caring so much for my crush.. my biggest crush..
and all my other little likings for the rest..
mm..
my biggest crush.. wh..
but i'm just glad we're on talking terms now..
i'm glad to be jsut able to talk to him..
mm.. but when i know he exploded and still troubled..
like how he used to be in chs..
really hurts me..
hs.. where are you??? pls cheer your bf on lei...
how can you bear to see wh like that..
he wun go around telling pple he's troubled..
but we can sense by his way of talking..
mm.. angel's also by him..
so many pple's concern for wh..
but sigh.. nvm.. i guess the only way i can help wh.. is by a prayer..
god is a god of miracles.. (=
lay your trust in him and you shall be answered..
whee!!! mm.. nothing much emo le..
i've straighten out my thoghts..
if jo was concern abt me.. he would have at least reply me to wish mummy happy bdae..
its obvious enough..
and its enough to make me have my decision..
but yea.. meanwhile..
mummy dun wan me to get into relationships.. hahz..
unless my broken heart is mend again.. and unless i wun let all these affec my results..
hahz..i've allowed it to affect my mids already.. not gonna let it affect my promos..heex

mm.. today is shear's bridge run.. (=
mm..woke up super early today..
cos gotta reach there at 7am..
mm.. then we started out as a group..
gradually.. some left to RUN..
while we walked.. ahz.. saw wei jie also...
wah!!! today is my happy day man..
so long never see him le.. since my bdae..
his company of pple damn funny also..
hazh..
mm.. i like the band on his hand..
sigh.. why cant he bring it home???
mm. ok.. i kinda overheard that they will only run if he see me running??? mm.. nice one sia..
we ran.. then passed by alot of pple.. then those pple dunno siao siao one ah..
keep cheering us on.. hahz.. even when they are walking...
hazh..
then halfway, its started raining.. we chiong ah!!! to the suntec building.. for shelter.. den.. when was nearly dry..
we decided to continue our journey in the rain ..
we decided to be guai students and took the full 10 km.. hahz..mm. we had kinda lots of fun time..
but the guys ah!!! not gentleman lor..
never wait for the gals.. just keep walking /running.. when we wanna catch up and walk together, they saw and ran off.. =(
mm...wads most funny is at the last water point.. this army guy came up to us and ask who's pearly and kristy?
diao.. he said one guy in front ask him to give us the milo..
and then he added maybe he likes you .. wah biang..
faint..
so unfair lor you all.. give me and krist, never give the rest of the gals..
so in the end.. i took milo for them also..
wah... shuhan suan me again lor.. say its mhk who wanna give me the milo..
siao za bo.. mm.. den while we were walking.. we had escort behind us.. hazh. so cool la..
should have taken that pic man..
hazh.. in the end when they left.. we screamed loudly bye..
one of the trucks went crooked.. hazh. .so funny la.. then walked to esplanade..
met with wei jie..
wah!!! he run finish le lor.. hahz..
so cool..
and he changed also..
wore his track over his pant.. and he changed into his yjc tee..
hahz.. yay!!! jie's gonna get me the yjc teee too!!!
whee!! my counsellor is so nice.. hahz..
mm.. dunno who asked if he's my bf.. mm.. no ah!!! wei jie is not my bf.. pls.. he got gf de hor.. later his gf come bash me up ah..
hazh.. he's my counsellor.. adn i'm proud to say he's a good counsellor..
ahzh.. okok..
at the finishing line.. so many pple cheered for us.. cos we're LAST!!! hahz..
then we filmed live for suria.. hazh.. so diao lor..
mm. then we went to marina to eat.. mm..
after eating.. han han and siew li left..
=(
so left the rest.. excluding boss and sat.. cos they left long ago..



mm.. saw him sleep!!! hahz.. yet again sia.. mm.
tried looking at him a few times.. but yea.. only a swift glance
mm. i feel happy jsut by seeing you.. even though i'm trying to avoid as mucha s i can..
dun ask me why.. i just feel the awkwardness now.. esp durin odac and chinese class..
chinese class ending soon.. sigh.. means i wun see you during lessons next year le..
pls do something to make me stop liking you can?
mm.. and hor.. you look funny when you did the hg action.. ahzh..
you look veyr cute when your hair was wet.. like so cute small boy!!!
ahzh..
but yea.. just do somehting to stop me from liking you..
cos i still love jo.. and i'm still waiting.. i dun wanna be a flirt.. flirt to anyone but you, jo and weihan

today had chinese mock.. sigh..
today damn bad day sia..
early in the morn when nearly late for mock.. i witnessed an accident la..
sian 1/2
one pjc guy got knocked down by by a car..
he flew out of his bike.
literally flew..
3 other pioneers, including me, saw it too..
sigh.. drown my mood le..
after exam.. changed into sajc's tee..
mm... then went out wiht korkor to meet peiling.
we went bras brasah again.. to study..
mm.. went with kor to get his tys..
then went to popular the cafe.. mm.
really enjoy the time had with kor..
mm.. mich and linan thought we were togetehr..
no hor.. he's my korkor..
siblings will neve rbe together de..
hazh.
mm. den went home wiht them..
dint go church today..
dunno wad happened these few days.
sigh.. my headach's just getting worse and worse..
its like gonna get my head bombed anytime..
i'm like under pill control now.. wth..
why must i be dependent on the pills??
mm.. okok.. odac yest..
recruitment..
mm.. 7 guys joined i think..
cant really rememebr them all..
i knwo got bing cong, yi qiang, yi xiang, cheng jie, syvester, gerard?
mm. cant remember le..
hazh.. i knwo got one stedson look alike. one alittle minghao look alike.
dunno why they say they dun look alike.. but i kinda think look alike lei..
mm. think that person from nobel de..
saw him running 8 by 100 that time i think..
heex..
mm.. felt so good yest.. did 60 situps in a row..
m... though i kept lauging while doing..
erm.. before odac ran wiht peggy..
cos she's feeling down..
sigh..
peggy.. cheer up ya?
dun let wad has happened affect you..
you can do wekk for tchr's day de.. (=
i'll be behind you de..
mm.
he said he ran 5 rounds in like around 6 min ba..
mm.. cooll
realised odac guys are really super strong..
stronger than wad we can think..
is it da niao or jason who did the pulll up with teh hands so wide apart..
and chaoyi just keep doing pull ups like nobody's business..
mm.
sean as usual the runner..
hahz..

erm..
shu han(laopo): he may one day like you lor.
me: erm.. he wun like me de la.. he has and will never like
laopo: wad would you do if one day he tells you he like you?
me: aiya, he wun de la.. why worry so much..
me: anywya. even if one day he tell me that, i wun knwo wadto do la..
me: cos i'm stil lwaiting for jo..

to him: mm... i'm quite sure you wun come telling me you like me.. cos you like a gal j***t hahz.. not p****y.. hahz..
bleah.. wad am i crapping again??
oh well.. you wun la.. i just know you wun..

i'm still waiting..
only to patch with my dearest deary pig.
dun ask me why..
love means to know that the person is happy..
i dunno if he's happy now or not..
but whenever he's down.. i will feel even sadder..
just wanna share his burden with him..
wanna cry with him..
wadeva happens, i just wanna be by his side..
cheering him on, just like how he used to cheer me up..
allowing him to forget all the sad things just like how with his presence, i wun feel the surrounding pressure and fear..
with him.. everyhtin was possible..
therefore i wished him well..
even if one day he can live veyr happily without wanting me anymore..
i will not hesitate to let him go.
all i want is him being happy.
even if his ultimate choice is not me, its ok..
mm..
srry pple.. i'm getting emo agian.. better not continue.. ciao
tmr got shear's bridge 10 km run.. sian
run from esplanade until st andrew's road..
sigh..
lucky running with odacians..
ut i'm afraid i will bring the group down..
cos i injured my spinal cord.. and i'm still having bad headach..
doctor said i'm under stress and not enough sleep..
spare me and stop askign me to sleep early../
cos i cant..
i'm a night owl now..
sigh..
jus leave me alone.. and dun bother.. unless you truly care..
ciao

this is wad walter bought back..

then a hwile later.. we decided to rest a while.. hahz.. then we played wiht michelle's hair.. peiling tied her hair then we took photos.. but shy mich.. dint wanna let anyone see her face in those hairstyle.. hahz..

see peiling had fun playing with her hair..

professional peiling was doing mich's hair.. hahz.. small gal gal wor

outcome of mich.. so cute right? like a small gal... hahz..

erm.. after pw .. we went to let's eat at lot one for dinner.. hazh. .then walter, peiling and me made the last pic of mich as our wallpaper.. hahz.. whenever walter took his fone out.. he will grin and smile at her photo.. hahz.. its just so werid.. but ya.. at times.. this kinda little things can really destress us.. hazh.

then we went to buy sweets. .when pei ling and mich left.. walter wanted to wait for me.. weirdo him.. cos he's also taking mrt.. jst opp direction of them.. but he rather wait for me, who is not taking mrt at all..

so since he so nice wait for me.. i walked hi mto the mrt station.. before leaving.. hahz.. and now i'm home.. hahz.. mm.. gonna start doing my gp!!! ahz.. argh.. homework undone.. hahz.. okok..

mm.. felt so bad today..cos i was supposed to be sending cleo off at the airport.. dunno when then i will see her again.. miss her a lot.. miss my mummy!!! mm. nvm.. i will keep in touch with her de.. (= ciao mum.. enjoy yourself while you're in US .. and dun forget us.. i'm so sry i couldnt go send you off cos i couldnt go down in time. =( remember to email me.. oh.. this reminds me of hil.. veyr long never talk to her le.. but i heard she's back on vacation.. hazh.. sweet.. should find some time to meet up wiht her man.. ahzh.. mm.. next mon gonna meet da jie i think.. yay!!! miss 4W pple!!!!!

mm.
am i dreaming or not?
did he really look in my direction.. or was i hallucinating???
one said she saw him studying alone.. but the other said she saw him with another gal..
which is the truth? which is real?
mm.
peg asked abt my feelings for all of them..
hahz.
mm.
in pjc. i like 3 altogether..
1 is really really like..
other 2 like just crush crush..
mm.
but so wad if i really like..
i know that momo ren dun like me..
and!!! i'm still waiting hopelessly for jo..
hahz.. i'm faithful..
we promise to see shuai ges or mei nus and move on..
i did..
they are all crushes afterall..
eyecandys.. ahz..
jackson ask me not to give jo up..
will i be doing the wrong thing if i listen?
how i wish i can get the answerr directly from him..
not on the fone. not on sms, not on msn.. but face to face..
sigh..
but i'm afterall happy!!!

post mortem..
mm..
church yest and today..
yest marcus went with me to chc...
hazh..
he's like soooo tall la..
hope pple wun think that we're together..
hahz..
i have had enough scandals..
hazh..
mm.
but before that..
with lunch with mum..
hazh
first time after so many months had lunch with her la.. during a busy weekend..
whee!!! talk to mum abt my bgr stuffs..
and surprisingly she also talked to me abt hers too.. hahz
mm... she said i should put jo down and concentrate in my studies.. cos i will still have my uni life to catch some great guys..
dun worry ya? ahz.. i'm already not thinking him as much as i do le..
even if i do, its onlt during my free time.. i wun allow that to happen during studies..
i'm not like sec 3 that time
hahz
okok.. church was good.. somehow.. i was very excited during church..
introduced marcus to zheng cong..
hazh
and hor... zheng cong wore white spects.. woots.. damn cool la... he look nice in the specs.. but his hair like long le.. hahz..
ok.. today's church.. went to angel's church.. mm.. kinda blur and lost..
lost form la.. mm.. made new friends today..
mm... but cant really remmeber their names..
only remembered rebecca, david, ka jun
mm.. not forgetting rachel, angel and wei han
youths there.. wah.. all super smart de la..
but ya.. they are very friendly..
but somehow.. i feel shy la..
dint wanna talk much..
my usual talkative self is not within me today..
today weihan and angel sang for service..
saw weihan's seriousness..
=)
never saw how he could be so devoted..
mm.. but i dint talk to him..
somehow i dun feel like i know him
i was just like..
huh? wads going on? gosh.. did i made the right choice by coming today?
calvary baptist church is really different from shalom and city harvest..
like wad angel said.. its in between both the churches..
city harvest is the totally rock.. where you can jump and shout where no one will look and think you're crazy..
shalom is the very solemn kind.. veyr very holy..
cbc on the other hand is rock but not rock..
during the youth today.. they sang the song.. i nearly wanted to jump like how i used to do in chc..
when saying prayer.. i nearly spoke in tongues out loud..
imagine how embarrassing it will be..
mm.. but i must stress and emphasis..
i go not cos of comparing..
but cos i wanan find a church that i'm comfortable in..
but than again..
whether i'm in shalom or cbc or chc, i'm still worshipping the same god..
i'm just glad.. i'm able to worship him whole heartedly.. and not idoling anymore..
hazh
praise the lord..
miracles do happen.. they may not be significant.. but they make an impact in our lives unknowingly..
(= ok..
gonna study, do my homework and do written report le..
lots of things to complete..
promos is coming in 5 weeks time..
gotta pull up my socks le..
cant be slacking all the time..

ruiyi told me something that made me cry..

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
if he isn't doing anYthIng to win u bACK.. u shd mOve on

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
yah ..u r a gal..u can sense if he genuinely still love u or nOt

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
or is he just consoling u as a friend ..so u won't be upset

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
can sense bah..if u can't sense..mEANs it's Not present

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
Meaning he's consoling u

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
it's 2 months leh

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
e longer the breakup

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
e more unlikely he will coMe back to u


Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
coz rem.. he is also moving on without u

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
buT u r still waiting for Him

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
if one DAy u find he is Attached with anOther gal..u will wonder why u waited for Him in e first Place

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
by then e person to blAMe is YouRself

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
Not Him

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
he is nOt obligated to stay cOmmited to u

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
WhAt if u becoMe a Christian..he still dun want u ?

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
who do u blaMe?

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
u confront Him..he might sAY "it has been several months le..it's impossible"

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
e hurt u get is so much more then before

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
ya Blog already Mentioned u r very hurt n upset by Him.. wo ming bai ni de gan shou lor

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
u hurt Yourself even more by Holding on

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
2 months le .. haha..tell u ..soMe guys prefer to avoid saYing NaSTY words

Harness the power of concentration you will be able to change your life faster than you ever thought possible! says:
they secretly hoPe with TiMe u will forget Him


i cried.. cos it is indirectly telling me that jo will never patch anymore..
wad he had done was trying to say those words to console me.. so i wun be upset..
but since he dint even bother calling me, smsing or even asking me out le..
it means jo no longer loves me..
true ma? how i wish jo could tell me personally face to face.. that he dun love me anymore..
at least let me cry out all at one go..
rather than me tearing for months.. but not finished..

i onced love him deeply.. now i still do..
but from wad others said, he no longer love me..
i've lost him totally..haven i?
i really hope one day we can meet up to talk..
really really hope can..
but i wun call you up anymore..
i'll wait for your call..
i knwo you wun.. you wun even reply.. let alone call..
worse still, meet up..
but i'll wait..
i'll always wait for you.. until the day you tell me in the face you no longer love me..
even if you dun wanna hurt others thus not saying.. pls... pls.. i'm begging you !! to tell me you no longer love me.. if you really dun..
i dun wanna me like your ex, that you dint tell her you no longer love her,yet still with her..
i wan the truth..
guys understand guys better than gals do..
but i wun believe wad they say unless you tell me..
i still wanna believe that you will wanan wait. believe that you still love me..
i know i'm foolish..
but since we broke.. i've unknowingly put you in a very very deep place in my heart..
i really love you alot jo.
2 months already.. but i'm still hoping we could patch..
hoping that i will get a second chance..
i know my chances are slim.. yet why am i risking it?
why is it back then i rather divert my attention to other guys just to forget zc.. but this time i cant.. i dun wanna be like then anymore..
i wanna be faithful..
i wanna love you whole heartedly..
but they say.. guys will never be touched by what gals say..
instead they will find all this irritating..
but gals are emotional kind.
i'm a gal, not a guy..
i've never forgotten every little things we did..
wad you said over dinner table..
i'll never forget them too..

hey odacians..
today was skill-competition.
was quite fun..
mm.
initially i thought it was gonna be awkward..
but ya.. i'm trying hard to avoid him man..
ahzh..
mm. my group, consistin of jun hui, hui jun, eve and me
we won the best team award..
cos of team work..
it really shocked me..
cos we dint complete the last task..
so pathetic..
only found EGGS!!!
after walking to all 7 locations.. out of 10
1 of whcih is the wrong location given..
hahz..
wah.. initially middle of the field also have sia..
hazh
okok
shall stop hte crap..

here's the link to the skills competition photos.. taken by alina and ming hao..
some kinda blur.
http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2102880272

hey hey.. my mood's better... maybe cos ying found my file and chem test wasnt so bad.. hahz.
mm. sorry for wad i said just now..
i might hurt him..
i'm not sure of it myself..
but i'm hurt..
but if i can choose.. i wanna keep it to myself..
only me and myself..
but how? can some expert teach me exactly how to lock my heart???
lock it from guys.. but then again.. it wun mean i'm a les.. even though i'm very very close to my galfriends..
hahz..
someone mistook me for a les la.. in pjc somemore..
wah sai..
got boys lei.. if i really become les hor.. means pjc guys really cannot make it.. hahz..
=) kidding..
i've seen super shuai ones la.. but they are not my eye candy..
hahz..
saw him today..
but ya.. dint say hi to him anymore..
too awkward le..
oh man.. tmr will see him.. darn it..
help me!!! wyner!!! howhow??? help me!!! hahx..

today myu mood damn bad.. darn it.. lost my file.. err.. pissed..
damn ms jasima la..
i lost my file, wad has it gotta do with studying or not... suddenly hate her soooo much.. damn her la...
hate it when someone accuse me of not studying when i did...
can i punch her???
i cant..i'm a good gal..
anyway
failed gsc and got 2nd last for econs for whole level..
happy???
that i'm doing sooooo "well"
ass la..
i'm gonna retain.. i'm gonna transfer skol man..
hate pjc sooo much..

sry to those who are reaqding now.. cos i'm just trying to find a place to vent my anger,..
i wanna cry.. yet i feel the hatred..
its 2 months... yet there's nth much we're been doing..
you arent even trying to talk to me..
still say you will go out with me???
stop bullshitting la..
for 2 months.. i've seen you less than 4 times..
talk to you less than 20 sentence..
are you happy???
continue avoiding me ba!!!
ass!!! if only you can get out of my world totally..
you know?
you 're just causing me much misery..
but wad can i say when i see you online???
you dint wanna reply me, i cant sms you now.. due to limitation..
i'm not allowed to call you..
wth!!!

felt so awkard today.. when see him..
darn it..
but yea.. doesnt really matter afterall..
he's only an eyecandy..
nothing more than that ba..
mm.
wad's wrong wiht me man..
why am i so salck suddenly?
even though i got do my homework..
i was supposed to be guai..
wth!!!
i wanna change..
i cut my hair to forget him..
mm.
change myself as much as i can..
mm..
wad else should i do to give myself a new beginning..
to work really hard and not think of bgr anymore?
hmph..
i will always love him in my heart..
but i wanna stop all the emo days..
its really causing me much misery..
but how can i show my misery to others..
why should i bother others about my troubles?
sigh.. dun talk abt it le..
tmr's my heats.. worried yet excited..
ahzh..
tmr is long jump and 100m..
on the actual day, 23rd aug, is our 4X100 relay.. (=
nobel!!! all the way!!! must win something man

omg..
i think he knows it le..
=(
howhowhow?
sigh..
i dun wish we wll be awkward towards each other..
but i'm faithful.. and i'll always be.


as the days goes by, my feelings for you gets stronger
i'm supposed to try forget you.. and go in god's will..
why am i still so stubborn, not wanting to let go..
you know i'm walking towards god..
but why you dun seem happy when you know i'm gonna have my test soon?
they say you no longer have feelings for me..
i had the dream.
that one day you hold her hand..
and tell me she's your gf.
how devastated i was
will it be true?
i hope not.
for i believe wad you promised me.
that you will wait for me.
and you still love me.
i will walk towards god..
not to patch with you..
but really. to understand god.
but how will you know i did it not for you.
will you find excuse against me?
will you really wait for me?
will you still have feelings for me?
i'm feeling insecure.
just hope that after 2 months, or a few months down.
your answer will still remain firm.
i really need you..
your support.
dun leave me behind.
dun forsake me.
dun say goodbye and walk away.
for i will be devastated.
i will go crazy..
my heart was broken twice.
dun break it trice.
a broken heart is no longer a beautiful one.
but one with scars and cracks.
one that is no longer perfect.
one who is veyr emotional and sensitive towards such issue.
i know.
you will somehow come across this post.
but pls.
dun be afraid to keep the truth from me, in case you dint wan to hurt me.
to say it earlier would be a better choice.
if one day.
you really change your feelings, dun hasten to tell me..
i wun guarantee i wun break down and cry,
i wun promise i will be happy again.
but i will sincerely wish you.
give you my blessing.
i may not knwo wad will happen to me.
i may sink further into my depression.
but dun be obliged to be with me just cause you dun wan this to happen.
i dun wan to keep you physically w/o your heart.
but i wish for nothing except for you being happy..
you once cheered me with your "smile" /";p"
now i'm sensitive to these..
it no longer cheers me up..
instead i will tear buckets of water.
thinking back of the past.
i love you..
i really do.
there's nothing i can do now..
except to focus on my goal and our promise.
one day if you break them.
i wun be angry, neither will i hate you.
cos the fact,
love is blinded by the eye.

sorry got emotional again.
these few days dunno wad happened..
i keep thinking of the past again..
2 months le..
how fast..
this thurs is 2 months le..
sigh..
i'm still very emo..
so i'm really sorry to those who erm..
like me or wadever crap..
i dun wish to hurt anyone nor make anyone the spare tyre..
its better to reject then hurt an innocent guy..
back then i reject zhuzai..
yest was ceying.
sry..
at times i think i'm slowly sinking into depression unknowingly.
but in hte society.. i put my mask on..
and i find that..
the mask suits me..
a hidden country where i live alone..
in my little fantasy...
ok nvm.. forget it..
i dun wanna my bloggie to cry..
neither do i wan sympathy..
i blog my sorrows bcos i need a place to pour my sorrows..
i dun wanna talk to myself ever again..
i dun wanna pyscho myself that everything will be just alright..
even though it will never be..
but nevertheless... i entrust my life in god..
i believe that god works miracles and wonders..

those who hope in the lord will soar on wings like eagles
isaiah 40: 31

here is the link to the pics.. odacians... go lookat it k???
http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2103097405

came back form odac leisure camp..
hmph..
after skol..
went home to get jacket..
then rushed back to skol for consultation..
mm.
then went to train ying for our 4x100.
mm..
other pple say we sure win de.. cos we train so hard..
no la..
there are good runners around..
so cannot lose so badly..
ok.. odac..
went to east coast..
went back to the place where me and jo spent the last wonderful night tgt..
mm.but this time with odacians..
so we played some bonding games and then dog and bones..
omg..
can you believe..
cos pple dunno how to play???
hahz..
ok.. after that we rented bicycles..
wah.. 18 altogther..
means.. its 126 bucks altogether..
wah..
uncle earnign big bucks..
hahz..
then we ride to marine parade there to eat..
hazh..
wah.. we saw stunt man doing stunts..
whoots..
mm..
then alina and soon hwee got lost.. funny them went to paddle culture instead..
ahzh..
thru out the night..
eveyrone kept teasing them..
hazh..
ok.. i feel mean.. cos i also did..!!! =)
mm.
ok after that we cycled back..
waited for wyner and junhui ..
when they were here..
the guys played soccer..
then both of them tried to change..
hahz..
wyner damn open la..
took off his jeans behind the tree..
but!!!! he wasnt directly behind..
so we had free show..
hahz..
sai.. boxers sia..
hazh..
the gals were laughing man
okok..
next..
after a long time..
about 1 plus..
we started our journey around the place..
hahz..
we cycled on the busy roads to geylang..
you know there got wad la huh..
guys are just guys..
wanna bring the gals to see see look look..
hahz.
then they were talking about the chio bus the used to see..
hmph..
then ok.. stopped to eat tao hui..
hahz.
nice lor.. love the tao hui..
(=
mm.
poor zang..
mm..
only learn how to ride the bicycle that very day..
then in the wee night cycled on the road le..
nearly got hit many many times..
hazh..
cold sweat man ..
mm..
then got one instant ming hao was just behind me..
then he started a convers..
and he said this" so funny huh. we're talking tat the same time.."
hmph..
got meh???
ok.. then we ride back..
at the hut.. we played tai di until 430..
then me and han went to bedok jetty, wanting to see sunrise..
bleah..
at there..
we saw the guys..
then they left..
so we slept there..
until 630, only to knwo.. there's no sunrise yet..
wah..
damn freezing cold la..
imagine the wind blowing at you in all direction..
ok..
han said she dint wanna wait le.
so she wanna go back to the hut.
ok lor.. went back..
had to cycle the long journey back..
wah.. i couldnt make it man..
damn damn damn tired by then..
so i cycled veyr evry slowly..
on the straight road..
i just slept while cycling..
hahz..finally reached..
the sky blue liao..
mm.. when i reached .. saw all of them sleeping. sian1/2
then the tide was super super low..
so i went ot have a walk..
hope to find any shells.. or by any chance find back my bracelet..
but to no avail..
all rocks la..
nevertheless..
i still went to walk..
then went macs to wash up..
mm..
went back..
saw liting..
hazh..
then went back..
most of them woke up le..
then the gals went to macs again..
to change and stuffs..
at there.. i saw weihan and rachel..
hmph..dint expect to see him there..
but ya..
went backt o find the guys..
then they realsied wyner's wallet's gone..hmph..
after muching checking.. still cannot find.. so nvm lor.
guys went to bathe..gals went o macs to wait..
wah..
bui tahan lei.. they bathe ah.. like gals take so super long la..
after eating..
went home lor..
slept in the bus thru out..
forgot to wake up at kallang river..
so never go lor..
(=
mm.. smsed zhiwei..
but ya.. we're still so cold lor..
sigh..
there's nth much i can do also..
i'm not your gf or anythign..
so i wun knwo how to cheer you up or even make you trust me again..
but i can only say if you asked me in details..
i will definetely tell you eveyrthin you wanna knwo..
mm..

i finally get to see him sleep.. very cute..but i'm not gonan say it out loud..
gals you know wad i'm talking ya??
ahz..thinking of my bee hoon.. should i eat them??? hahz

at the sea.. i went to the place we once had memories.. i cried.. cos the time flew and its not gonan return..
i cried badly.. i wrote something on the sand..
only for me to see..
i just cant stop thinking abt you.
esp when i back at the hut..
i will just think of how close we used to be, how we hugged each other despite the heat.
when i was at the sea, i made a prayer..
and called for our father to allow me to cry out loud before letting you go.
i wun gaurantee that it will be the last time i'm going to that spot..
but i can say i trust in the lord to heal my broken heart.
i trust in the lord to turn the past into a memory that allows me to think back once in a while..
its time to let go and move on..
they all said you dint love me anymore..
it was just an excuse..
i dint believe..
but now i do..
from all the responses you gave..
i'm not a robot.. i know how to infer..
and at times i'm rather deepthinking.. esp in terms of bgr..

sorry for being so emo suddenly..
wanna fustrate it soemwhere..
adn i cant think of anywhere except here..

that was only part of the bs..
its too long to type everything down..
hahzh..
so ya..
only type the first part down.
mm..
ok..
after bible study.
i went home to get my stuffs..
then go city hall agian..
to study..
ahzh..
then at night wanted to go see fireworks..
but by the time we got to esplanade..
we saw so many people walking out..
sigh..
oh btw there wasnt fireworks that day.
hahz;.
so me and siew ting walk at the bridge.. feel the sea breeze..
it feels damn good esp when one's under stress..
should go there more often to feel the sea breeze..
hahz..
so sad la..
dint see anyone i know..
not like the day before..
hazh

ok..
national day!!! went for bible study today
about habit of fellowship
Lesson9
Heb. 10:25 (GNB)
Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another all the more, since you see the Day of the Lord is coming near.


WHY IS FELLOWSHIP SO IMPORTANT?
1. I belong in GOd's family with other believers.
Eph. 2: 19(TLB)
... You are members of God's very own family, citizens of God's country, and you belong in
God's household with everyother christian.


Rom. 12:5(NIV)
Son in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.


"the Christian who is not committed to a group of other believers for praying, sharing and serving, so that he is known, as he knows others, is not an obedient Christian. He is not in the will of God. However vocal he may be in his theology, he is not obeying the Lord."

natoinal day celebration.. hmph..
was a rather short day..
hahz..
thought my day will be so boring..
but no wor..
=)
after skol..
went to lot one with jie ying and blurt blurt for lunch..
then their friend came..
i felt out of place la..
but a short while later..
we split le..
go home change and stuffs..
then met blurt blurt and her friend xueli at bugis
took neos then walk around..
mm..
then meet ben..
walk around..
went to national library..
with 16 levels..!!!
so big la..
thne went back to cck. his house..
then went to esplanade to meet amirul for the firework thing..
hahz..
saw alot of pple i know..
hahz..
saw meehoon hahz.. (to those who knows who i'm talkin!!)
he was just in front of me..
hahz..
saw languan kor( though he cut contact with me le. but i still prefer calling him kor.. dun ask me why)
lg.. see!!! the world is so small..
even though you're avoiding me, i still will meet you.. just like how i did today!!
no point avoiding la..
its proven that the world is small..
not much others significant event..
hmph..
this year's fireworks..
damn nice..
i remember one firework..
has the shape of a double heart..
damn nice..
when i saw this..
i only had one thing flashed in mind..
jo..only him..
many others were like shooting stars..
i foolishly made a wish..
a simple wish!
=)
mm..
the we walked to marina square to get mum's and mine pig slippers cushion..
hazh..
damn cute..
damn we walked back esplanade..
walked towards merlion there..
saw amirul's bro..
hazh..
ok.. then we stood there, so windy!! =)
and talked...
about how guys really feel and that guys will not tell a gal they dun love her, even if they really dun..
sigh..
he said the question i asked jo was invalid..
cos its a false answer from jo..
mm..
ok.. if its false then i know le lor..
i dunno how to ask myself to trust in him..
since his actions somehow give me the feeling that he dun love me anymore..
oh wells..
(=
thats my day lor..
sian1/2

am i still in love?
do i still have the mood?
no nO NO
i'm only waiting for him..
hopelessly waiting.
he said he got come in here to see
but i dun know.
sigh..
can he like give me some security?
no right?
i'm not his gf anymore..
he's not obliged to give me such promise..
sigh..
i wished he can..
but how will i know if he's attached or not???
i dun seem to knwo anything abt him le.. =(
argh.. wad am i talking abt again..
=(
crap!!!

omg.. my toes!!!
stopid toes..
so painful..
and yet i had to bear with the pain.. and run the canal (3.2km)
and also do my long jump trials..
sigh..
ya.. dint do my best la..
sigh..
so far trials mm.
quite bad..
100m-16.22s
long jump-3.53m
sigh... this is so so bad man..
competitiors for 100 are all so damn good..
sigh..
okok..
to wad i know from andy( nobel hse captain)
i'm the only gal representin for long jump.
and only afew are joining 100..
response is pathetic...
hazh..
now we're loooking for pple ot do 4x100..
hahz. need one more i think.
sigh..
thats for nobel..
hazh..
mm.. i think i might have the chance to represent odac for 4x100 too!!!
so cool..
hte gals are gonna train for 4x100 together..
azh..
then pick the best four to represent...
hahz..
one for all, all for one..

ok.. htats yest.. today went to work my last day..
hahz.
mm.. toes still hurting like hell..
now its so pain to the extent that i'm limping a little..
bad bad..
ahzh..
if its still painful on mon.. i will hafta wear slippers to skol..
sigh..
mm..
ohoh..
tue wed thurs no studying..
cos of national day..
but i bet the tchr will feed us wiht lots and lots of hw..
thats how nice tchrs are..
esp to those who fail everything, like me!!! =(

having GSC now..
just did a chinese paper..
first time i finished the paper on time.. so happy!!!
mm..
today!!!
dint see linan in class today!!! hmph..
he got competition!!!
so ya.. collected AQ for him..
hmph.. i dint do really well..
only got 4/10 for AQ!!
oh no..
i forgot later got long jump practice!!!
BUT!!! i forgot to bring my pe tee!!! Ccrap crap!!!
howhowhow???
hmph..
cant go bible study today!!
sigh!!!

skol's boring..
mm..
suddenly mood swing..
sigh.
cos of so many things..
unfinished homework.
stoopid 100m timing..
stoopid muscle aching..
argh..
today really not productive..
dint do much..
feel guilty..
amirul said i'm nerdy!!!
i'm not lor..
hahz..
GP talk!!
boring..
and moomoo and blurpblurp keep seducing me..
oh man..
creeps.!!!
was surprised to see alex sitting with my class..
so he sit next to me lor..
wah!!!
more and more pple mistaking..
think he shouldnt try get so close to me..
i'll be scared..

i think i should make myself clear here man..
cos of the stoopid issue of crystal jade and stuffs, i lost my best friend. and lost his trust.
hmph..
sometimes i wonder if he was really my friend or not..
hope can friend, best friend somemore, doubt me..
i wasnt even lying la..
damn it la..
okok..
clarify it man..
i'm not with anyone now..
neither do i like any of the guys i know now..
like as in relationship kind..
friends yes.. crush yes.
but as bgr.. NONONO!!!
get me???
i repeat myself.. NO!!!
from then until now..
i only love one and only one guy..
and he's jo..
so stop inferring and guessing that i'm with any guy or i wanna be with any guy...
li nan they all asked b4..
if the world were to end tmr.. wad will you wanna do..
my answer was to patch with jo.. and know that he still love me..
thats my only last wish...
and it will never change..
if one day, in the short run.. i suddenly have a bf..
pls know that that person is suay to be my spare tyre..
cos my heart has only one place for one person.. and he's jo..

SO STOP INFERRING AND STOP IRRITATING ME WITH YOUR WADEVER SMS!!! YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY PISSED??? I'M SUPER PISSED WITH YOU.. AND I THINK MY REASON IS MORE VALID THAN YOURS... SO SHOO!!! AND GO AWAY... DUN EVER BE MY FRIEND COS YOU'RE NOT WORTH MY TIME!!! DUN COME BACK AND AS AND WHEN YOU LIKE. AND I'M NO LONGER YOUR MZ.. YOU'RE NO LONGER MY ZZ.. SHOO!!!!!

sorry if i suddenly sound pissed... i am.. but only to one stoopid guy who pissed me off in the morning..










- i'm a good gal now who tries finishing all my work =) besides that also attend church regularly-

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